By Theresa Dolata

Copyright March 12, 2021

I grieve not having the sense of safety when I was a kid.
I grieve not really knowing what safety was till my mid 40’s.
I grieve the loss of my innocence that I never got back after that first sexual assault that my oldest brother committed against me.
I grieve not knowing what my learning disabilities were when I was little and not finding out what they were “officially” till I was 46 years old.
I grieve for all the times I was called a liar when I told the brutal fucking truth.
I grieve the loss of the few people who loved me unconditionally.
I grieve trying to live up to all the conditions put on me to be loved.
I grieve being silenced until I had made it to freedom in Minnesota.
I grieve the years lost searching for my dignity and searching for hope.
I grieve spending many birthdays of my youth alone, especially my Sweet 16th and Golden birthday August 16th, 1990 so depressed and suicidal I couldn’t get out of bed. I was alone just lying there. I don’t remember anyone wishing me a happy sweet 16th or a happy Golden Birthday or even a plain happy birthday that day.
I grieve the loss of Father Angelo who didn’t shame or shun me for being atheist for a few years in high school. He only showed me love and compassion. Father Angelo will always be a saint to me.
I grieve the constant pain in my body from the arthritis to the fibromyalgia and chronic debilitating migraines that I have had since I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.
I grieve that I have books on my shelf that I want to read but my learning disorder with impairment in reading comprehension mixed with my ADD prevent me from picking them up and reading them.
I grieve all the days lost walking around like a Zombie because of my severe depression and chronic suicidal thoughts.
I grieve not having my basic needs of food, shelter, healthcare met for most of my life.
I grieve never being able to have children. Children that I could provide the things I never got as a child like safety and health care and unconditional love.
I grieve all the times I had to cheat in grade school and high school just so I could get a passing grade of a “C” because people didn’t pick up on that I had learning disabilities and told me I was lazy. Told me I didn’t apply myself. Told me that I day dreamed too much.
I grieve that I had to block all my blood relatives from my life for my mental health and well being. No longer having a person to call mother because I can’t handle the abuse and loss of safety around her and the other blood relatives.
I grieve all the times I was homeless and the trauma homelessness brings with it.
I grieve all the sexual assaults, rapes, the psychical abuse and financial abuse and verbal and emotional abuse I have experienced since I was 5 years old until my mid 40’s. Each one of those had such a terrible horrific impact on my life.
I grieve having to drop out of college because I needed health insurance that would cover mental and psychical health conditions and the only way I could get that coverage was to work full time due to my pre-existing condition of being hospitalized when I was 14 years old.
I grieve about asking to be tested for my learning disabilities when I was a freshman in college and the man testing me said “Well, there is definitely something wrong with you but I will not put that in writing.” Because he didn’t put it in writing the school didn’t have to accommodate me. I really grieve that.
I grieve being over medicated on psych meds starting in 2004 to the mid 2010’s and having those medications take me from 126 lbs to 216 lbs in less than six months.
I grieve all the trauma and discrimination that came along with me living with a vagina between my legs.
I grieve all these things and more as I sit here and type.

I have a right to grieve. I am taking that time now.
Then I will go back to sleep and wake later this morning where I will sit and think of all the courage I had through all this shit. I still somehow was able to have the internal eternal flame of hope burn bright within me to carry me through every single one of these things and occasions. I will remember how I spend all the holidays with my family of choice and how much love I feel from them and how much love I can give back to them. I will sit with my heart filled with compassion for others as I attempt to have that same compassion for me. I will sit and think of my faith community supporting me and loving me. My faith community fills my spirit till my cup overflows. I sit in that. I sit in the dignity and respect they honor me with.

So, I grieve. I grieve so much but I have so much more hope now. I allow myself to grieve as I need to and reach out my arms for the hope that people hold for me. I am a survivor. I am resilient. I am a child of God.

I am blessed!